Peering over the ledge at Odin's Pond...

Yesterday, while working, a dizzy spell took me by surprise. It was the first of my life. It reminded of how in the movies, people always start going through dizzy spells before they learn they're suffering from a lethal disease or have cancer etc. I didn't think much of it. Didn't try to rationalize it by "I must be sleepy" or "I must be dehydrated". Like I mentioned, I was working, so I went on about my day.

It happened again today.

I'm gonna tell my mom about it later on tonight, but, being the very open and honest person that I am, I told my friends about it via text messaging. I half-thought that if I passed out sometime before my mom found out there could be some record of me being aware of the conditions leading up to the tragedy.

I'm naturally inclined that it's nothing but still, my friends, the blessings that they are, naturally, are worried. In particular, my friend Michelle is pleading that I see a doctor. I plan on honoring her wishes. I began to think about the possibilities, if, by some inverse of a miracle, I was suffering of a fatal disease and, ultimately, died: What would happen to those I left behind?

I'm not an atheist, so I obviously don't think that when I'm dead I'll just be dead. I believe in the Summerland, which is, to be put in general terms, the Wiccan version of what Christians call Heaven. In the Summerland, I would wonder what I'm wondering now.

For the most part, I am not a very egotistical person. I'm not the type to want to leave a burden on those souls that I've touched while living. I've told my close friends this wish if anything were to happen to me: I want to be remembered, not mourned.

Needless to say, none of my friends believe for any amount of measured time, that within the first days of my death, they will believe "Courtney is in a better place, he's in a place of eternal bliss. I should be happy for where he is and not where he is not." I can honestly say that if the roles were switched, I would be the same.

But here is a thought that I need to express:

What is it that makes someone mourn?

Surely it is just merely the blatant, irreversible refusal of a superficial desire to have a certain entity in their presence, in this case, a person. If I was mourning the loss of a close friend, the main component of my lugubrious state would be the fact that I will never spend my time on Earth with this person ever again. It is, in fact, a natural response, but, ironically, I wouldn't want such an experience to be inflicted on those who I leave behind after my departure.

Aside from this selfish mourning, what other qualities are there to be feared or disliked with the arrival of death? What else is it, beyond our own selfishness, is there to be reason to think ill of death? Religiously, it is the passing to somewhere beyond what our eyes can perceive, presumably a place that is free of earthly stresses and tragedies, as infantile and naive as that may seem. Nevertheless, it is believed, so what is there to be sad about?

Personally, if I died now, having missed out on all the experiences I had planned on having (i.e. buying my first apartment, having my first boyfriend, raising a cat, being a published novelist), I would be somewhat disappointed. Aside from this, I wouldn't want to invoke a metaphorical chain around the everyday decisons of my loved ones by this fact. I would want this failure to fulfill goals on my end to fuel their drive to continue, not extinguish it.

I don't feel as if we, as limited creatures, should fear or disdain death. There isn't anything to fear. Death is something that leaves more for us to discover. Surely, the afterlife should be more interesting to us than the lives we lead on Earth.
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In reality, we deal with death on a regular basis, mostly with the killing of other animals such as insects, and in the eating of meat. Ironically we think nothing of it.

That's pretty much the thoughts that fave floated from my mind onto this page. Feel free to leave your comments...ummm. wherever you comment on people's blogs LOL ^_^

Completely off of topic but here's a list of some of the songs that I was listening to while writing this (theyre all gothic-derived genre bands) :

Hyperfast by Lacuna Coil
Stars by Lacuna Coil
Dream Bliss by Tearwave
Good Girl by Hungry Lucy
Exodus by Evanescence
Nemo by Nightwish

Check summuv these bands out and download these songs!

"Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore...Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay." - Jojo in 2007's Across the Universe, portrayed by Martin Luther McCoy.